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LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

 

 

CHEMICAL ANALYSIS OF WOMAN
A new chemical element has recently been discovered.  Here for the first time is a description of its properties.


Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time.
Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable.

Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.

Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food.

Turns slightly green when placed

Usage: Highly ornamental.
An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.
Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

 

 

BISHOP DIES BECAUSE OF ASS

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.However at the local auction, the going
price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.  To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The paper read:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.

The paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey.  The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.  The paper headline the next day read:


NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

Next day the headline read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it
could run wild and free.

Next day, the headline in the paper read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

NB:  Please don't hold on.  Laugh it out.  Enjoy a belly laugh.

Laughter is the best medicine.

 

 

A little church humor        

1.A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to
church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

    
2.The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached,
he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"   

3.Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."    

4.My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

5.I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at  bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from E-mail.Amen."

 

 

LALOO MEETS GOD

Saddam Hussain visits God and asks him, `God when shall I see the defeat of Bill Clinton?
God replies: `Son, you will not see it in your lifetime.'
Hearing this, Saddam Hussain starts crying and goes away.
Gen. Parvez Musharaff visits God and asks him,
God when shall I see the capture of  Kashmir
by Pakistan?
God replies, `Son, you will not see it in your lifetime.' Hearing this

Gen. Parvez Musharaff starts crying and goes away.
Laloo Yadav visits God and asks him. `God when shall I see Bihar becoming a

prosperous and happy state?
Hearing this, God starts crying. Laloo is astounded and asks, `God, why are you crying?

'God replies: `Son, I will not see it in my lifetime!'

 

 

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words >on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

 

 

SARDAR JOKES

Here are some surd achievements

A sardarji was working as editor in a daily newspaper. Once he was travelling to Bombay to deliver a speech about railway department improvements. His coach was the last coach in the train. The train was moving very fast and so sardarji's coach was jerking heavily. This made him not to prepare for the speech. Annoyed by the event, next day in the meeting, his first point towards improvement of railway deparrtment was ""There should not be last coach in any train.""


 

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination.He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar," he says, " it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief'.

 


 

Banta singh finished his English exam and came out. His friends asked him how did he do his exam, for that he replied "Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought ... and atlast I wrote THUNK !!!"

 

Sardar gets an opportunity to fly to a near by country. Sardar never has been on an airplane anywhere and got so excited and tensed. As soon as
he boarded the plane, a BOEING 747, started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and shouting 'BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BOEING....'. He forgets what's around, and even the pilot in the cock-pit could hear the noise. Annoyed by the sound, the Pilot came out and shouted 'BE SILENT!'. There was pin-drop silence every where and everybody is looking at the Sardar and the angry Pilot. Sardar starred at the Pilot in silence for a moment and all of a sudden started shouting, 'OEING ! OEING!! OEING!!!


 

Two Sardarjis went into a pub and after ordering two beers took some sandwiches out of their packets and started to eat them. 'You can't eat  your own sandwiches in here,' complained the pub-owner. So the two sardars swapped their sandwiches 

 

Mr. Jaswanth singh went to a grocery stores collected the grocery and  came to the counter and person at the counter xstarted preparing bill for the items. Singh asked " Where is the fat ?" , person didn't understand what singh was saying and said " Excuse me sir, FAT???" Sardar : "Yes Fat, Give me the fat" Sardar started shouting and arguing with the person and all people gathered and Manager of that grocery stores came there and asked  sardar about the problem. Then sardar said, Hey Manager! Lois not giving me the fat.
ok, I took a yogurt from your stores and it was written "FAT FREE" on that but this guy.

 


 

In a party one of Zail Singh's friends asked him How many chappathis he could eat in an empty stomach. Zail replied "Seven". Then his friend told him "When U eat the first chappathi your stomach is no longer empty.Then how can U eat seven ??". Zail was impressed by this tricky question. So as soon as he went back home he asked his wife " How many chappathis can you eat in an empty stomach ??". She replied "Five". Then Zail told " Shit!! If only you had told seven I had a nice reply for it"

 

One day sardarji decides that he is fed up of Sardarji being called fools So he decides to fool the others and show them that they too are fools. Our friend goes to the top of Kutubminar in Delhi and peeps down from the top with a lot of interest. Somebody taps him on the back and asks, "Sardarji what r u looking" our freind replies "sssssshhhhhhh, Stand in the line.."
After sometime ,somebody asks the same question to the second guy and he gives the same reply. This goes on . After a while our friend sees that the line has reached the bottom of kutubinar. So he feels very happy that he has succeeded in fooling so many people & decides to tell turn back. He does so , and... HE SEES A LINE OF SARDARJI'S ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM.

 

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the Examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperatley throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The invigilator,alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "Oye, I finished the exam in half an hour". "But yaar",he says, " I am rechecking my answers."

 

A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Sardar says, "I want my 20 lakhs. The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you one lakh today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 weeks." The Sardar said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest during the next 19 weeks. The Sardar, furious with the man,screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my 20 lakhs right now, then I want my five rupees back!"


 

A Sardarji goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead. The manager comes running and asks him, "Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho?" To this the man replies, "Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai,"Wash Basin".

 

Four Sardarji's were waiting a on Railway Platform for the "Punjab Mail". As they were waiting an announcement is made about the train running late by two hours. The train scheduled to start at 10 am will now start at 12 noon. Since there is lots of time to kill the four sardarjis decide to go out into the city to spend the time. When they get back to the station
they see "Punjab Mail" just leaving the platform.So sardarjis start running desperately to board the train.. One ofthem manages to catch the 6th boggie Another got almost the last boggie and the other two got left behind.When the two Sardarji 's who managed to get into the train met each other in one of the bogies they started laughing uncontrollably. They go on laughing
.....laughing ....and laughing. Now the other passengers get bit curious and one of them asked the Sardarji's .... "Arre, what's so funny ? Why are you both laughing so madly? One of the Sardarji's managed to reply "Actually the two who were supposed to take this train got left
behind......we ....just came to see them off !!!!!!!!!!"

 

A sardarji is standing on platform no.1 waiting for the punjab mail toarrive. There is an anouncement "Passengers to note.. Train no 234 dn Punjab mail from New Delhi will be arriving on `platform` no.1 shortly." Hearing this sardarji gets panicky..He immediately picked up his baggage, jumped on to the railway track and stood there..Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed.. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than
scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has  failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry .. we still have one engine left." A sardarji passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

 

Diana murder mystery solved The latest theory is that the driver of the Mercedes, Henri Paul, was actually a sardar whose family migrated to France when he was 3 yrs old. His name was Harvinder Singh Pal, and later he changed it to Henri Paul. But what is in a name, after all ! Once a surd, always a surd ! And so when the Paparazzi chasing the car shouted Diana,
Diana , at 80 mph , Harvinder tried to take a right turn.( daina right in hindi ........... The rest, as they say, is history !!....................)

 

Two surdars go for fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to shore. The first surdar says: "I hope u remember the spot where we caught all those fish." The other answers: "Yes, I made 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot." "You idiot!" replies the first." how do u know u will get the same boat tomorrow." 

 

##### (FANTASTIC)This sardarji goes to the theatre to see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat and when his friend asks him "kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai" (What Sardarji? Are you afraid of the cinema?). Sardarji replies "Aadmihoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to
janwar hai, usko kya pata "( I am an intelligent(?) man, I know it is a
movie, but does that animal know?)

 

Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left. Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How was the interview ?". Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder.


 

Once, a Madrasi, a Sardar and an American were travelling in an aeroplane. Suddenly, something went wrong and the engines stalled. They had no parachutes with them. So all the three of them decided to risk their lives and jump out of their planes. First, the Sardar jumped out. He removed his turban, used it as a parachute and jumped. Using the turban he slowly floated down. Then the Madrasi removed his dhoti and jumped out. Again his dhoti acted as a parachute and he also floated down gently. Seeing this, the American removed his shirt and pant and jumped out. Unfortunately,they did not do well as a parachute and he began to fall rapidly from the plane to the ground. He passed by the Madrasi who said - " May that ganapathi help you". Then he passed the Sardar. The Sardar looked at the American zooming past him and was puzzled. So he said - "I see! You want a race! Let us see who is faster" Saying so, he let go of his turban.

 

One day there was a Bihari going in a Fiat Car at 45KMPH on a high way and enjoying his drive. Suddenly a Sardaji came Booiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn on a Honda and peeped into the car and shouted at the Bihari - ' Kabhi honda chalaya kya?' and sped off, The Bihari was surprised but he did not bother. After some time the Sardarji came Booiiiinnnnnnnnnnn... in the opposite
direction, peeped into the car and shouted again ' kabhi honda chalaya kya?' and sped off , This time the Bihari was annoyed , since the sardar was teasing about his driving. After some time again the Sardar came back speeding and said the same thing peeping into the car . The Bihari was about to say something but the Sardar sped off. This time the Bihari increased his speed but suddenly stopped as he found the Sardar lying on the road, bleeding. He got down and mocked at the sardar ' Kyon Sardarji Kabhi Honda chalaye kya?' The sardar said ' Wohi to puch raha tha , Mein Brakes ke liya doond raha tha'

 

Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. Said his wife " What's the matter?" Replied he "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else".

 

Santa and Banta Singh were bitter enemies. Santa lived on the 1st and Banta on the 7th floor of the same building. One day the lift was out of order and Banta Singh decided to play a trick on Santa and called him for dinner to his house at 7:30 pm. So Santa huffing and puffing manages to reach the 7th floor. To his dismay he finds a big lock on the door and a message -
'HA HA ULLU BAN DIA!' Santa is angry but thinks a lot and finally writes his reply below Banta's message - 'MAIN TO YAHAN AAYA HI NAHIN THA!!'

 

Manager asked to sardar at an interview
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Sardar replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.

 

After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?

 

One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this village???
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!

 

Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi
So Sardar writes, "Gandi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi.

 

Sardar was doing experiment with cockroach, first he cut it's one leg and told WALK. WALK. Cockroach walked. Then he cut it's second leg and told the same. Cockroach walked. Then cut the third leg and did the same. At last he cut it's fourth leg and ordered it walk! But cockroach didn't walk.
Suddenly sardar said loudly, "I found it. If we cut cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.

 

When sarda r was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted mirror. Sardar shouted, "You are trying to see my wife? Sit back. I  will drive.

 

Sarda r went in a hotel. To wash hands he went to the washbasin. There he started washing the basin. Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing. Sardar pointed towards the board "WASH BASIN"

 

Interviewer: just imagine your in 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?
Sardar: its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!

Srdr: I hav'nt slept all nite in the train.  

Frnd: Y?  

Srdr: Got upper berth.  

Frnd: Y did'nt u Xchnged?  

Srdr: oye, there was nobody 2 Xchng in the lower berth..


 

Sardar tells a girl "Come 2 my house at nite, nobody will b there............. Girl goes at night & realy nobody was there


 

A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after Every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid.  

A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.


 

Sardar-why r all these people running?  

Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.  

Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r others running?


 

Sardar had twins; he named them Tin Martin.  

Again had twins & named Peter & Repeater.  

again twins & named Max & Climax.  

Again d same. disgusted Sardar named them TIRED&RETIRED!


 

Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.  

Sardar:    The future tense is "u will go to jail".


 

Srdr gets ready ,wears tie, coat ,goes out, climbs tree, sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why he does this.   Srdr:"I've been promoted as branch manager."


 

Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".  

After much thought he wrote :    Yes!


 

One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college.  

U knw  Why?  

Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...


 

Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.  Servant: It"s already raining. Sardar: So what  take an umbrella and go.


 

Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever -  

What will come first, Chicken or egg?    

O Yaar, what ever u order first will come first.


 

Sardar wins 20 cr from  Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer gave 11 cr after deducting tax.       Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 cr or else return my 20 Rs back.!


 

Postman:-   I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This Packet  

Sardar:-       why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it....


 

Sardar proposed a Girl......Girl said 'I'm 1yr elder to you'...........Sardar said 'Oye No Problem Soniye,I'll marry you NEXT YEAR.


 

A Sardar & his wife filed an application 4 Divorce. Judge asked: How'll U divide, U"VE 3 children?  Sardar replied: Ok! We"ll apply NEXT YEAR


 

Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die lik my grandpa who died peacefuly in his sleep not screamin like  all d passengers in d car he was driving..


 

Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you     call modern art ?  

Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!


 

Sardar was writing something very slowly.  

Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?  

Sardar: "I'm writing 2 my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.


 

Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab . Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more..


 

A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not in the morning. Sardarji replied ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.


 

Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.  

Man says CHIN YU YAN n dies.  

Srdr goes2 china 2 find meaning of friends last words.  

It is 'U R STANDNG ON D OXGN TUBE!"


 

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